I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
