I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
