Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
