i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
