Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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