I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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