we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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