Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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