May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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