So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
