broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
