I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
