so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
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The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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