Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
