Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Go christen that room with your naked body.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
