Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
