I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Green mimosas i think yes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize