Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
