I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve