i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.