If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.