We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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