Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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