im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
