He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize