I could have mohawked her pubes.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
