God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
