He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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