laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
