i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
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My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
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Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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