New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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