I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
