I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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