How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
