So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
