boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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