i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
