and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
