There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
