saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
