I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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