I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
