I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
