Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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