Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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