there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
