Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
