mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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