WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Be still, my beating vagina.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
