my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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