he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
