also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
