I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
