When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
