my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
