Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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