I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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