if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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