The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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