Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
