I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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