if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
