can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
